I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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