The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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