I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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