Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize