I just cut my nipple shaving
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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