but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
