i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
