why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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