She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
