Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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