Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
