Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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