"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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