My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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