Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
