Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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