me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
