Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
