He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
