My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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