i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize