Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
