Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
