I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
