If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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