i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Holy shit dude........stairs
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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