i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
