there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
