New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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