So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
