sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
