i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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