There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
