so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
