So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
