he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize