please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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