Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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