There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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