Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
