not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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