Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
