can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
