Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
