dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
