we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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