she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
