Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
