I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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