he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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