i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He did a backflip because drugs
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