i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
