I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
