She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
