he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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