mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
wanna go halves on a baby?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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