So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
