hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
