i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
