u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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