I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Terrible idea I love it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
