and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
