make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
