We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
