A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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