my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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