Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
