I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
